There has never been anything more important and valuable on my journey to self discovery, than my personal journal. It has literally saved my life in the most profound and meaningful way. Like being thrown a flotation device while lost at sea, a welcomed relief and the chance to rewrite the status quo.
Let me tell you a story.
In my mid-twenties, I found myself accepting an invitation to attend a healing retreat in Coolangatta on the Sunny Gold Coast. I was really struggling at the time and felt extremely overwhelmed by my life experiences up until that point, and carried a lot of unprocessed emotional baggage. It was heavier than a door-to-door salesman’s trunk of encyclopaedia Britannia.
At the time, I was a young mum of two beautiful toddlers and was doing a lot of soul searching. I loved being a mum although inside, I was trying to figure out how to untangle the mess of confusion, running amuck inside my head. I was determined to be the best parent I could be, and new I had to begin with my own inner self. I really had no idea who I was and how to improve my life. On the outside I presented a calm, happy and together persona, though inside, my mind was fraught with fear, sadness, jumbled thoughts and shame. I held a denial pattern that wanted me to believe everything was just fine and dandy.
What makes this situation intriguing, is that earlier that year, I had experienced some kind of spiritual awakening, which was in itself, a life altering experience, and a phenomenon I have a hard time explaining. Having been bought up an atheist, I was beginning to feel there was more than meets the eye in that regard, as I felt deeply moved by nature, life and the depth of my senses. I was on the hunt to determine my truth, though I didn’t really know where to start. After spending a few months discussing this topic with a variety of spiritual and religious individuals, reading books and deeply contemplating the subject, I found myself having the strangest and most life affirming experience. I remember waking up one morning and felt the distinct sensation that I was literally walking a couple inches above the ground. I felt an incredible sense of peace in my heart that was deeply moving, undeniable and humbling. I have had a great deal of spiritual and unexplainable occurrences happen to me since that time, at various stages in my life, although that was the most pronounced and miraculous. Up until this point, I was honestly quite a self-righteous and angry pain in the you know what, and had a decent sized chip on my shoulder. I had people who knew me, actually comment on how different I looked. That was the very beginning of a varied and developing spiritual journey.
In my attempt to make sense of what I was dealing with, I began talking to a really kind and wise woman who I met through a local church. She was involved with a community centre that ran a not for profit and non-denominational spiritual healing retreat. I had never heard of a retreat before and was highly sceptical. After hearing my story, she invited me to attend the retreat, as she felt it might be of benefit to me. After much deliberation and procrastination, I realised, it was an opportunity I was needing to accept. Something was calling me to attend, though I didn’t really have words for that at the time. I just knew I had to go.
I mean, what did I have to lose!
This one act of trust would become a profoundly life altering experience, and one that and would propel me forward on my path to self-discovery, inner peace, personal freedom and empowerment.
So, I rocked up to the retreat thinking I’d got the address wrong, but no. There it was, the former creepy, old Nursing Home, where I began my career as a sixteen-year-old nursing assistant. This building was the new Bethel Community Centre. How I didn’t backtrack out of there at roadrunner speed, is still a mystery to me. However, there I was, and after checking in, found myself face to face with the lower basement room with my name on the door, and a beautiful little bundle of flowers, welcome card and message laying on the bed. On the wall was a peaceful picture and quote stuck to the wall.
My new friend came to check I had found my room and told me that this was a silent retreat. I remember nearly visibly gasping. What do you mean silent? I was thinking, I can’t do this! She reassured me that silence was an important part of the retreat process and that if I hung in there through the first day, I would come to really appreciate and value its significance. That it was part of the process, and that I would settle into it. I wasn’t convinced, but decided I better give it a go. Besides I could leave at any time.
I can’t lie, it was eerie sleeping in that place. Especially knowing that people had likely died in that room. I had always had a vivid fear of the dark growing up and never ever slept without a sheet over me, or my limbs dangling over the bed. It was damn hot in there, being a Queensland summer, and there was no cooling. Just one tiny window.
That night, I found myself leaning on my newfound and fragile faith, in order to face a massive childhood fear. As I lay there, white knuckling it, a gust of wind blew in and dislodged the paper picture that was blue tacked to the wall. I nearly crapped my panties. Pardon the expression! It was at that moment, that a strange calm washed over me, and I sensed the distinct presence of my grandmother there with me. I know it’s a strange thing to say, and believe me, it was strange for me! But it’s the truth and it was scary as hell. My nanna had passed away when I was just eight years old and I was not allowed to attend her funeral. She was literally the only person in my little life that made me feel seen, heard and valued. I went to see her in hospital to say goodbye. I wasn’t told this, but I remember knowing anyway. I always had a strange fear around death after that. I remember a priest came to our house to express his condolences and my father got angry. The thought of ghosts and paranormal entities used to really freak me out. But honestly, after that night, something changed for me. In the sense that I no longer had that fear. Not to that extent anyway, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the retreat.
The retreat followed a format which consisted of a group meditation in the morning, and brief discussion about the topic for the day. That was followed by free time to write or do whatever I liked. Then there was a one-on-one reflection session with my support companion. Here, I was able to discuss anything that was coming up for me, having read the topic material and wrote my thoughts and emotions. Talking by the participants was only permitted at this time. There was a full cooked lunch in a communal mess hall. I remember that first lunch because the silence was so loud! It felt very strange being around a group of people all eating in silence and hearing nothing but the sound of cutlery on plates and the birds outside. There was free time in the afternoon, and dinner, followed by a group nigh-time meditation session and reflection.
As the days progressed on the retreat, something incredibly powerful and transformational occurred. The former tension and fear that I had felt on the first day, was slowly lifted, as I accepted the daily invitation to face my emotions and feelings. I worked hard, digging deep to excavate those thoughts and emotional hurts from the past that were plaguing my life. There was a progressively noticeable changing of energy on the retreat experience, as the days passed. This energy finally culminated to a crescendo of elation, sense of freedom, personal empowerment and hope as the retreat come to an end. The overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, loss and helplessness that I come with, had shifted and where released. This whole experience was an incredible gift to my life, and I am eternally grateful to have had that first life changing experience. I have actually returned three times to Healing Life’s Retreats at various challenging times in my life. It is still running today in well appointed and modern high-rise apartments, in the beautiful location of Kirra Beach on the Gold Coast QLD. This retreat has helped many people transform their lives and I will include a link for anyone who may be interested in finding out more. Bethel Community Centre
The retreat provided pens and a little journal for writing any thoughts and emotions as we worked through the days. Each day had a different emotion to focus on. It was here at the retreat that I learned the practice of journaling with love. It has been such a life giving and life changing tool that remains in my self-care toolbox. Journaling has helped transform my mental war zone and erratic emotional landscape into something resembling a colourful and serene Monet work of art. Of course, life happens and challenges occur, and I get knocked off kilter. But like all of us, I’m human. Beautifully flawed, imperfect and fragile at times. What remains my constant is the wonderful tool of writing my thoughts and emotions down on paper, which somehow serves me very well. And after releasing what’s on my mind, everything begins to make more sense and I am able to make logical, well informed decisions. I can be completely honest and unfiltered with what’s real for me and don’t have to bother others with the trivialities of my mind or worry about judgement or unsolicited advise. There was a time I had no clue who I was and my neurosis and emotional dysregulation ruled my life. These days though, my mind is generally clear and my emotional landscape is calm and centred.
During the time on the retreat, I honoured the silence, and really did respond positively to it after that first day. At the start, my mind resisted, and the busy thoughts became intense, as my mind tried to insist I had something really important to say. Over time though, it quietened down considerably, and I was then able to really come home to myself. I slowly begun to feel clarity and inner peace settle in. It was a powerful and invaluable reward for persevering and trusting the process.
I was also introduced to guided meditation practice as part of the retreat. Just short little snippets of serene and gentle guided meditation, which I resonated with deeply. Meditation in varying forms, would become a huge part of on my daily practice moving forward. To this day, I practice meditation and silence on a daily basis, and when the noise of life gets too much, I retreat into nature to decompress, and find an extended period of silence to recalibrate and listen to love and my inner knowing.
Throughout my fifty-five years, I have become very proactive in my own transformative journey, discerning what worked and did not. As a child, I received formal counselling and although, I have at times utilised the mainstream approach, I have found it generally miss, rather that hit. Instead, I have preferred my own study and practical application of various psychology principals, taken from both Eastern and Western traditions, in order to live the life, I wanted and deserved. I have studied the concepts coined by Carl Jung and have found them to be invaluable in my quest for self-realisation. Especially to identify blind spots in my psyche and to integrate these aspects into my life, thus becoming more whole and honest with myself and others. Some of my favourite spiritual and influential authors include Wayne Dyer, Mayer Angelo, Melody Beattie, Deepak Chopra and Paulo Coelho to name a few. Spirituality aside, I must make special mention of Robert Greene, interestingly perhaps, though his work has armed me with a strong shield of insight into psychological power dynamics, manipulation and other dark psychological tactics, some humans use for their own selfish and malicious gain. This information has greatly helped me protect, empowered and free myself.
Through the continual process of neuroplasticity, I have challenged and influenced my highly adaptable and changeable brain processes. Over the years, I have successfully utilised these concepts to challenge my conditioned beliefs and outworn behaviours and eventually replace them with my very own authentic set of life-giving principles. Those things that were no longer serving my highest good and were holding me back from realising my authentic potential, were handed up to Source. Change and transformation are defiantly life long processes, and as I come to new places of awareness, acceptance and action, I begin to forge a better and more aligned way of existing in the world. Using these concepts and philosophies, maintaining daily practices of meditation, mindfulness, visualisation, introspection, creativity and of course journaling, I continue to foster a peaceful, calm and heart cantered life.
The road to self-discovery is like a meandering track through an unknown forest. Long and diverse, with rocky outcrops, sunny clearings and gently flowing creeks, which eventually arrive at a picturesque lookout, where one can sit quietly and enjoy the view below from a comfortable distance.
Undoubtably though, journaling has been that one true key to self-mastery, and ultimately, my most intimate and cherished best friend.
And all along, that very best friend was Me, together with Love.
